Craft

The Model Shop on Queen Street has always had an almost spiritual atmosphere, perhaps brought on by the hushed serenity experienced on entry.



Contrary to expectations, this retailer does not vend young women with the bodies of 11 year old boys. Inside stand tiny ranks of obsolete regiments and their war machines, miniature replicas of every conceivable wheeled and winged vehicle, and the Tamiya Grasshopper RC buggy that Santy regularly failed to deliver (the sectarian bastard).

By fortunate coincident, the tools of the modeller have a functional overlap with the instruments of minor surgery. For example, one can purchase the necessary equipment required for the excision of an ingrowing toenail (or unguis incarnatus).



Apparatus required:

• 1 (one) craft knife with strengthened blade
• 1 (one) pair of needle nosed pliers
• 1 (one) pair of tweezers

The Procedure:

• Thoroughly wash and dry toe
• Remove any encrusted discharge and clotted blood fragments with the tweezers
• Slice through the nail plate parallel to the offending edge towards the germinal end, as far as can be tolerated
• Grip the tip lateral aspect of the nail with the needle nosed pliers and rip the ingrown portion out
• Eat two aspirin, two paracetamol and two ibroprofen

Take care not to rip too hard for only a small portion of nail may break off (see picture), and the patient will have to psyche up again.

The unguis incarnatus may reoccur: simply repeat the process, perhaps investigating the possibility of chemical cauterisation of a portion of the nail forming matrix by the use of dehorning paste.