Toilet
If the measure of a civilised society is how it disposes of its waste, the zenith of our civilisation is represented by the Toto Neorest. This toilet greets the user by automatically opening the lid upon approach, then waves goodbye by closing and automatically flushing on departure. An oscillating massage can be enjoyed from a cushioned seat, the temperature of which has been set to within a tenth of a degree by wireless remote control. Toilet roll is rendered obsolete by a robotic arm that squirts warm water of determinable pressure up your bum before drying with scented zephyrs of heated air, whilst fuzzy logic circuits analyse your usage patterns and simultaneously engage the catalytic air purifier. This is what billionaires shit into.
At the 2005 World Toilet Summit Exhibition in St George's Market, the Toto Neorest was conspicuous by its absence. Not only was the World Toilet Summit Exhibition lacking the World's Best Toilet, it was also missing most of its exhibitors. St George's Market appeared deserted: half of it was screened off, and of the remaining space only a quarter was filled by booths from the washroom industry. One toilet trader estimated up to three quarters of the exhibitors had been scared off by the rioting that had taken place a couple of weeks before the conference, setting a depressing precedent for the first World Toilet Summit to be held outside of Asia.
To be fair, the World Toilet Summit was not just about the exhibition; delegates were invited to the Waterfront Hall to attend presentations from international speakers on a range of sterile-sounding topics ("Some Technical Issues of Toilet Sanitary Concerns", anyone?). Committees met to discuss philanthropic aspirations for higher standards of toilet provision, culminating with the signing of the "Belfast Protocol", a global regulatory framework for public toilet provision. There also appeared to be a subliminal campaign to erase the term "public toilet" from public consciousness, replacing it with the asinine "away from home toilet"; a campaign that may have as much success as the degendering trend from some years ago. But the World Toilet Summit Exhibition is the most public manifestation of the World Toilet Summit; it's where the the local TV and radio stations send their reporters to crack puns for a filler segment on the news, and as such it provides a measure (however inaccurate) of the impact of the summit.
On initial appearances, the World Toilet Summit Exhibition was inadequate. Of the exhibitors brave enough to come to war torn Belfast, most were hawking cleaning products and toilet paraphenalia: disinfectants, air fresheners, tampon dispensors and the like. Only three stands offered anything in the way of washroom innovation, and two of those were demonstrating the same product: a self dispensing toilet seat cover (the fear of catching germs off a toilet must be a serious issue). Even the frivolous extravagance of a rotating, self cleaning toilet seat was humbled; it was being demonstrated next to Vacuum contributor Dr Bindeshwa Pathak's Sulaban International organisation. Compared the two pence cost of each cleaning cycle of the rotating seat, Sulaban International public toilets integrate healthcare centres, baths, laundry facilities, schools, and biogas generators at the cost of half a penny per use. And they've built the worlds largest public toilet, which is cool.
Only one of the utilitarian, stainless steel public toilets on display aroused curiosity. Its little blinking electronic panel looked pretty retro-futuristic, but sadly it was for toilet engineer use only. But he was eager to show what it could do, and rightly so: this was the Toto Neorest of the public toilet world. Packed with sensors and fully USB compatible, these toilets output enough data for a thesis: soap levels, usage patterns, remote fault monitoring, numbers of people who wash their hands (although this doesn't take into account users whose cocks aren't dirty and who didn't piss on their fingers) and, of course, automatic flushing on departure. It can even be configured to send you a text message if sensors detect cottaging in the disabled toilets, which you may or may not be pleased to receive. So where can you avail of one of these space age conveniences? Closer than you think: Castledara Developments debuted the Automated Toilet System in Warrenpoint Park.
In fact, Castledara Developments and Sulaban International saved the World Toilet Summit Exhibition from mediocrity. Otherwise, it would have been a load of shite.
At the 2005 World Toilet Summit Exhibition in St George's Market, the Toto Neorest was conspicuous by its absence. Not only was the World Toilet Summit Exhibition lacking the World's Best Toilet, it was also missing most of its exhibitors. St George's Market appeared deserted: half of it was screened off, and of the remaining space only a quarter was filled by booths from the washroom industry. One toilet trader estimated up to three quarters of the exhibitors had been scared off by the rioting that had taken place a couple of weeks before the conference, setting a depressing precedent for the first World Toilet Summit to be held outside of Asia.
To be fair, the World Toilet Summit was not just about the exhibition; delegates were invited to the Waterfront Hall to attend presentations from international speakers on a range of sterile-sounding topics ("Some Technical Issues of Toilet Sanitary Concerns", anyone?). Committees met to discuss philanthropic aspirations for higher standards of toilet provision, culminating with the signing of the "Belfast Protocol", a global regulatory framework for public toilet provision. There also appeared to be a subliminal campaign to erase the term "public toilet" from public consciousness, replacing it with the asinine "away from home toilet"; a campaign that may have as much success as the degendering trend from some years ago. But the World Toilet Summit Exhibition is the most public manifestation of the World Toilet Summit; it's where the the local TV and radio stations send their reporters to crack puns for a filler segment on the news, and as such it provides a measure (however inaccurate) of the impact of the summit.
On initial appearances, the World Toilet Summit Exhibition was inadequate. Of the exhibitors brave enough to come to war torn Belfast, most were hawking cleaning products and toilet paraphenalia: disinfectants, air fresheners, tampon dispensors and the like. Only three stands offered anything in the way of washroom innovation, and two of those were demonstrating the same product: a self dispensing toilet seat cover (the fear of catching germs off a toilet must be a serious issue). Even the frivolous extravagance of a rotating, self cleaning toilet seat was humbled; it was being demonstrated next to Vacuum contributor Dr Bindeshwa Pathak's Sulaban International organisation. Compared the two pence cost of each cleaning cycle of the rotating seat, Sulaban International public toilets integrate healthcare centres, baths, laundry facilities, schools, and biogas generators at the cost of half a penny per use. And they've built the worlds largest public toilet, which is cool.
Only one of the utilitarian, stainless steel public toilets on display aroused curiosity. Its little blinking electronic panel looked pretty retro-futuristic, but sadly it was for toilet engineer use only. But he was eager to show what it could do, and rightly so: this was the Toto Neorest of the public toilet world. Packed with sensors and fully USB compatible, these toilets output enough data for a thesis: soap levels, usage patterns, remote fault monitoring, numbers of people who wash their hands (although this doesn't take into account users whose cocks aren't dirty and who didn't piss on their fingers) and, of course, automatic flushing on departure. It can even be configured to send you a text message if sensors detect cottaging in the disabled toilets, which you may or may not be pleased to receive. So where can you avail of one of these space age conveniences? Closer than you think: Castledara Developments debuted the Automated Toilet System in Warrenpoint Park.
In fact, Castledara Developments and Sulaban International saved the World Toilet Summit Exhibition from mediocrity. Otherwise, it would have been a load of shite.
(TL;DR)
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