Hana-bi

Folks in both parts of Ireland don't celebrate Bonfire Night (burning effigies of Roman Catholic conspirators doesn't really promote an inclusive carnival atmosphere), but they love the pagan festival of Hallowe'en...

...so here's a video of the finale of this evening's Halloween fireworks at the Odyssey, which made good use of one of the Harland and Wolff cranes. It may be Samson, it may be Goliath, but tonight it was fabulous.

Click here to watch the video

Parade

You know that bit in Starship Troopers when they land on Planet P and realise it's a trap, then they look over the wall of the fort and see insurmountable swarms of giant insects about to attack?*

Watching Sarruga Productions' "Insectes" approach the Albert Clock from the High Street felt a little bit like that.




Despite being called "Insectes", the head of the parade had been gatecrashed by a giant spider and a man eating plant. Misclassifying the arachnid is forgivable since it was hanging out with its Arthropoda pals; confusing the Magnoliophyte is less excusable. Perhaps it was hoping to snag a tasty morsel along this movable feast.



Now. The monsters were expertly piloted by mad Spanish crusties, who had little concern about steering full pelt into the crowds or forcing swathes of onlookers to duck for cover, a clear demonstration of how health and safety concerns suppress fun and excitement. Even the Parades Commission had little reservation granting permission to this exoskeleton exhibition, especially when compared to the dangers associated with our native paraders.

*If you've not seen Starship Troopers, replace all the Zulus in "Zulu" with bloodthirsty ant aliens the size of tractors.

Stones

This unusual graffiti appeared on the junction of the Ravenhill Road and the Albertbridge Road:
What does it mean? Lets have a look at the location of the graffiti on a streetmap:

This does not provide any kind of explanation. Lets have a look at the religious distribution map:

Herein lies a clue: a block of red is adjacent to a block of yellow. This indicates an interface area, where youths are more likely to indulge in recreational rioting. When there is a shortage of youths of one ethnicity for the other to throw bricks at, the recreational rioters practice their aim on moving vehicles or strangers. Thus, one such target has been prompted to write a message for the parents of the stone throwing children. This is an unusual and rare occurrence of content specific apolitical graffiti, and it shows that it's not about religion, it's about colour.

(Religious Divide map courtesy of www.irelandstory.com)

Yoda

DJ Yoda at the Stiff Kitten 14.10.05

Any jockey that can mix 'Take Me Out', 'Fix Up, Look Sharp' and 'Club Tropicana' simultaneously, then squeeze Captain Sensible, Beyonce, Johnny Cash, The Cure, Sinatra and other Roquefort hits under mellifluous verbose hip hop is a very good jockey indeed.

City

Pictures of Belfast:


St Anne's Cathedral's Cross of St Patrick, with a little model of the space shuttle launcher wearing a hat superimposed.


Despite the innate savagery of the Northern Irish, some modica of decency are occasionally observed. Like queuing in an orderly fashion at a bus stop.


No escaping religion, even in grafitti.


Northern Ireland v Wales from Olympia Drive.


University Road, coming over a little queer.


The deserted Botanic Gardens.


Wellesley Avenue looking onto Black Mountain, which was only opened to the public on 27th June this year. The army used to do top secret things up there (like spy on west Belfast).


The PSNI arresting a rowdy young Northern Ireland fan. Note the damage to the rear of the police Land Rover and some paint splatter on the rear wheel, possibly from the rioting in September.


Talbot Textiles, established in 1955 on Hill Street and now relocated to an industrial estate in the docks. This building will no doubt be turned into a posh bar, as it's in the tediously artificial "Cathedral Quarter", where every former warehouse must be turned into an entertainment venue by decree of Belfast City Council. In fact, it made me feel a little sad. Maybe it was just the location.


This is where pigeons beat their wings, wings beat to meet in, um, Exchange Street West.

Toilet

If the measure of a civilised society is how it disposes of its waste, the zenith of our civilisation is represented by the Toto Neorest. This toilet greets the user by automatically opening the lid upon approach, then waves goodbye by closing and automatically flushing on departure. An oscillating massage can be enjoyed from a cushioned seat, the temperature of which has been set to within a tenth of a degree by wireless remote control. Toilet roll is rendered obsolete by a robotic arm that squirts warm water of determinable pressure up your bum before drying with scented zephyrs of heated air, whilst fuzzy logic circuits analyse your usage patterns and simultaneously engage the catalytic air purifier. This is what billionaires shit into.

At the 2005 World Toilet Summit Exhibition in St George's Market, the Toto Neorest was conspicuous by its absence. Not only was the World Toilet Summit Exhibition lacking the World's Best Toilet, it was also missing most of its exhibitors. St George's Market appeared deserted: half of it was screened off, and of the remaining space only a quarter was filled by booths from the washroom industry. One toilet trader estimated up to three quarters of the exhibitors had been scared off by the rioting that had taken place a couple of weeks before the conference, setting a depressing precedent for the first World Toilet Summit to be held outside of Asia.



To be fair, the World Toilet Summit was not just about the exhibition; delegates were invited to the Waterfront Hall to attend presentations from international speakers on a range of sterile-sounding topics ("Some Technical Issues of Toilet Sanitary Concerns", anyone?). Committees met to discuss philanthropic aspirations for higher standards of toilet provision, culminating with the signing of the "Belfast Protocol", a global regulatory framework for public toilet provision. There also appeared to be a subliminal campaign to erase the term "public toilet" from public consciousness, replacing it with the asinine "away from home toilet"; a campaign that may have as much success as the degendering trend from some years ago. But the World Toilet Summit Exhibition is the most public manifestation of the World Toilet Summit; it's where the the local TV and radio stations send their reporters to crack puns for a filler segment on the news, and as such it provides a measure (however inaccurate) of the impact of the summit.

On initial appearances, the World Toilet Summit Exhibition was inadequate. Of the exhibitors brave enough to come to war torn Belfast, most were hawking cleaning products and toilet paraphenalia: disinfectants, air fresheners, tampon dispensors and the like. Only three stands offered anything in the way of washroom innovation, and two of those were demonstrating the same product: a self dispensing toilet seat cover (the fear of catching germs off a toilet must be a serious issue). Even the frivolous extravagance of a rotating, self cleaning toilet seat was humbled; it was being demonstrated next to Vacuum contributor Dr Bindeshwa Pathak's Sulaban International organisation. Compared the two pence cost of each cleaning cycle of the rotating seat, Sulaban International public toilets integrate healthcare centres, baths, laundry facilities, schools, and biogas generators at the cost of half a penny per use. And they've built the worlds largest public toilet, which is cool.



Only one of the utilitarian, stainless steel public toilets on display aroused curiosity. Its little blinking electronic panel looked pretty retro-futuristic, but sadly it was for toilet engineer use only. But he was eager to show what it could do, and rightly so: this was the Toto Neorest of the public toilet world. Packed with sensors and fully USB compatible, these toilets output enough data for a thesis: soap levels, usage patterns, remote fault monitoring, numbers of people who wash their hands (although this doesn't take into account users whose cocks aren't dirty and who didn't piss on their fingers) and, of course, automatic flushing on departure. It can even be configured to send you a text message if sensors detect cottaging in the disabled toilets, which you may or may not be pleased to receive. So where can you avail of one of these space age conveniences? Closer than you think: Castledara Developments debuted the Automated Toilet System in Warrenpoint Park.



In fact, Castledara Developments and Sulaban International saved the World Toilet Summit Exhibition from mediocrity. Otherwise, it would have been a load of shite.

(TL;DR)

Hum

No doubt this is old and tired by now (overheard at lunchtime)...


What have Ronnie Barker and Jim Gray got in common?

They won't be doing porridge again.


It's goodnight from him...
And it's goodnight from Jim.