Gay

If you're into toilet trading, the public toilets beside Dunnes Stores in Enniskillen seem to be pretty cruisey. But because these are Northern Irish homosexuals, the discriminated discrimate.
Example:

"DIRTY TALK WITH PADDY
SUCK MY HUGE COCK
DIRTY TALK 24/7
-NO PRODS- (This bit has been scribbled over, presumably by the writer of "FUCK YOU" AND "UP LVF")
IRA 4 EVER
07866366963"

How can you tell if you're having phone sex with a Protestant?

Global Terror

We live in stressful times, in constant fear of attack from The Global Terror Network^TM, but it's just as stressful for the evil-doers: the pressures of operating within a clandestine cell; the fear of summary execution; the somewhat stunted career trajectory from an entry level position.

Even terrorists need to find time to kick back and chill, so, from an undisclosed location in the cosmopolitan bomber's city du jour (that there London), and at great personal risk, I present the representatives of The Global Terror Network^TM at their annual Summer Blow Out. It's a blast!


Euskadi Ta Askatasuna


Tonton Macoute


419 Scammer


Fuerzas Armadas Revolucionarias de Colombia


Sendero Luminoso


Brigade Rosse


People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals


Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam


Aum Shinrikyo


Hofstadnetwerk


Combat 18


Janjaweed



(Yes, this is just an unapologetic, self indulgent set of pictures of pals)

Twelfth

According to the Grand Orange Lodge of Ireland, the parades on the twelfth of July are "a celebration of our cultural heritage". According to Republicans, they are "an annual ritual of sectarian intimidation".

To help determine who is more correct, a Catholic was procured and taken to the Fermanagh Twelfth of July Parade in Ballinamallard. He was instructed to rate the festival; these are his opinions of the parade, presented in chronological (orange) order. All Catholic words appear in Times New Roman font (of course).


King William III
Ah the iconic King Billy, back from the grave, figurehead of all that is Orange. Who are my idols meant to be again? Bobby Sands? The Pope? Either way, I doubt I'll ever see them, or an impersonator, on a horse that big.


Ballymagroararty Accordion Band, Co. Donegal
I know this hymn: it's "What a Friend We Have in Jesus". That's not a particularly offensive start to the proceedings. And just to vex me even more they're from the Free State. To be fair, they can hold a tune and the drumming sounds good.


Coragarry Accordion Band, Co. Monaghan
The most offensive thing about this band is their uniform. An outfit designed by a colourblind homosexual with a majorette fixation does not pay fitting tribute to this minority Protestant fraternity. Nice bit of synchronised drumming at the front though.


Druminan Flute Band, Co. Monaghan
At last, a flute band! And... there's nothing that special about them. Although they must be a quite a fertile band, judging from the amount of childer tagging along. No danger of prods being ethnically cleansed by falling birthrate in Monaghan.


Dohat Accordion Band, Co. Cavan
They're playing 'The Sash'. I'm supposed to be offended now, right? I'm more offended by the twirlystick man's shirt hanging out of his trousers. He is a disgrace to Protestantism and the entire Protestant race, if you'll allow me to apply a biological definition to this religious subset.


Cappa Accordion Band, Co. Monaghan
Very small, and very sad. Even the shade of green of their hats looks a little dejected.


Lisarley Flute Band, Co. Monaghan
This band plays and marches a wee bit too slowly, but I like the postmodern twist to the traditional Georgian military uniforms: plus one point for that.


Drum Accordion Band, Co Monaghan
Ironically enough, lacking in drums. Must try harder in the drum department, Drum.


36th Ulster Division Memorial Flute Band, Roslea
A faint whiff of UVFery from this band, more than overcome buy the floral bouquet on the big drum. Roslea's in Fermanagh, isn't it? We must be onto the British bands then.


Billyhill, Co. Cavan
Hello accordionistas! You can march down my road any day! You must need nimble fingers to get a tune out of one of those, what? [etc etc- phallus]. Is Roslea in Fermanagh?


Pride of Stonepark Flute Band, Co. Cavan
What are they proud of in Stonepark? Their hats?


Churchill Silver Band
Now this band is good: tuneful and would not appear out of place in a bandstand or crap romantic comedy set in the north of England. Churchill gets two thumbs up instead of two fingers; the best band so far.


Maguiresbridge Pipe Band
So small, so sad. I'm feeling a little unhappy because I feel sorry for them. March on, Maguiresbridge! You're harshing my vibe!


Ballindarragh Accordion Band
More sexy Prod cutties ripe for the turning. Do youse want to try a bit of forbidden fruit? I'm your man!


Bellisle Flute Band
What's with the camp Gaultier uniforms? Move on!

At this point the Catholic got a bit bored of commentating on the bands and began checking out Protestant women. However, did make some comments about a few more bands...



Tempo Silver Band
Up Tempo! John Kelly's [Irish DJ- phallus] joke, not mine.


Newtownbutler Border Defenders Flute Band
Here comes trouble: these boys definitely look like they'd be happy up to their necks in my blood. And I suppose it's no coincidence that Newtownbutler holds the only contentious parade in Fermanagh. Well, they score highly on aggression, but their hopelessly flat flutes let them down a bagfull.


Feaugh Pipe Band
The best named band: it sounds like a mucksavage saying "fuck"! And they're playing Elvis' "Wooden Heart"! On bagpipes! Class!


Unknown UVF flute Band, Perhaps Snowhill
Fuck me, this band look scary- a proper UVF band: so loud and morbidly dressed in black. I suspect there are men in that band who would not be particularly genial towards me. But to be fair, they are incredibly tight musically, and certainly have the most stage presence... road presence? Congratulations, you win the most intimidating band award!

[The resolution on the digital camera had to be reduced at this point, as space was running out on the SD card]


Lisbellaw Defenders of the Rock Flute Band
Another loud kick-the-Pope band, ironically enough, playing "World in Union". Don't they mean "World in Unionism"?


Killadeas Pipe Band
The Catholic didn't actually pass comment on this band; they are included because the won the World Pipe Band Championships Grade 3A in 2003 and 2004. It just goes to show that this Catholic doesn't know good pipe music when he hears it. And to be honest, neither do I.


Lambeg Drums
Fuck me they're loud.

Conclusion (RC):
Yes, well, it's all very good, a great spectacle and all, but, to be fair, it's just a little bit, um, boring? Too many accordion bands for a start; and it would have been far more entertaining if we had been drinking all day. And aside from the aggressive KTP bands, who numbered 3 out of I don't know how many [66 bands- phallus] there's nothing here that yer average fenian should be too concerned about. Now let's get a coupla burgers and minerals and get the fuck out of here before the traffic starts.

Conclusion (Other):
The parade was mostly a a celebration of Ulster Protestant heritage, with 4.5% sectarian intimidation content.