Holy

From Holy Moly's Cunts Corner

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Morning: Got up early when I heard a knock at the door.This is strange I thought. Nobody outside the internet knows I even exist. I opened the door and immediately a red-faced vein-popping, but strangely handsome, lunatic charged at me with an iron bar before smashing my face beyond recognition. He then extracted each of the keyboard keys I have used to torment you poor fuckers and forced them down my throat.Then he invited an African steel band to come over and use my spine as a drumkit before brutally raping me.

Afternoon: Had a cappuccino and did the Su Doku.

Adopting this template to my day I get:

Morning: Was made late for work by avoiding the police cordon around a suspect device.

Lunch: Watched the army bomb disposal team carry out a controlled explosion on a car, saw the geezer dressed up in blast armour and everything.

Afternoon: No one discussed the IRA statement at work and no one will. Yer average Joe knows better than to talk about that kind of sensitive stuff out of fear of stirring emotions.

Evening: Watched "Extras" and thought it was a bit shit, had Rice Krispies for supper and then I went to bed.

Now

Parts of Fermanagh and surrounding counties exhibit some degree of diglossia, where the language spoken between locals differs from a higher prestige language, in this case Received Pronunciation (aka Standard English). This is simply demonstrated if you slightly change your accent when abroad, or perhaps your parents may use a 'telephone voice' when talking on the phone.

Additionally, in Fermanagh and the surrounding areas (at least- the field of study is not so extensive as to be conclusive), the word "now" exists as a homonym with a multitude of meanings. This Fermanagh "now" differs from the more urban east-of-the-Bann "now". In Belfast, in particular, "naæ" is drawn out with a sliding variation of intonation, and is generally used in its defined context as an indication of the present time. A ruralised version of this is used in Fermanagh, but another "nai" is also used, almost high-pitched, briefly and sharply pronounced from the front of the mouth and with a slight hint of a tilde upon the "n", creating a sound close to a truncated Spanish "eñe".

This noise is most frequently expressed to indicate the satisfaction of the emitter; for example, a Fermanagh man of either religion may have made himself a cup of tea, opened a packet of Hobnobs, and turned on Eastenders with the television remote control: the "nai" will be heard as he drops through the air onto his favourite armchair, all accoutrements within reach.

But "nai" is not restricted to being a vocalisation of contentment. Examples include:

In the workplace

• "nai" I have just completed a task and I am about to start another
• "nai" I am about to inform you of a task you must complete
• "nai" I have just launched Microsoft Outlook and I wonder if I will have many emails

In shops

• "nai" Who is next in line to be served?
• "nai" I have finished scanning your items and I am about to tell you their cost
• "nai" Here is your receipt and change. Goodbye

In bars/restaurants

• "nai" Hello. What would you like to drink?
• "nai" I am ready to take your order
• "nai" Everyone has received their order. Enjoy your meal

In these few contexes, "nai" serves to introduce or conclude a command, a statement or a request, but only if they are satisfactorily truthful. Thus "nai" becomes an expression of confidence regarding your actions, and by that extension should be applied to every action carried out with sufficient quality. For example, the important act of perpetuation of our species: expressing a little "nai" before coitus and another post orgasms should serve as congruent parentheses. Try it out on a partner.

Now.