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Parkour
If you ever saw the C4 documentary "Jump Britain", you will have some idea of what Parkour is: a sport where participants ("traceurs") run, jump, climb and interact with their environment in a fluid and graceful manner.It seems to be thriving in Northern Ireland: typing the words from the graffiti into google yields a single result, but this will lead on to a recent and thriving messageboard of traceurs and places to participate in Antrim and Down, and Derry seems to a popular location too (no doubt the stunts Sebastien Foucan got up to on the wall contributed).No mention of parkour among the dreary spires of Fermanagh and Tyrone though. There'd be the quare laugh at any eegit seen leppin' round the town like.
Bonie
The bonie (pronounced bow (as in 'and arrow') knee) on the Woodstock link is starting to gain mass. There must be some kind of strategy in its building, as all the palettes are stacked around the outside and the rest of the combustable material is dumped haphazardly in the centre.Only another month and a half to go!
Pedestrian
Insignificant items contribute to a nation's identity, like pedestrian crossings.You can tell you're in the UK if you see pedestrian crossing buttons like the one on the left. The tick-tocking of the button on the left can be heard in both the Republic of Ireland and Sweden, perhaps an indication tighter European integration, but more likely demonstrating the economies of outsourcing.However, these buttons may appear in more countries as yet unexplored. If found they shall be duly logged.
Glimmer
Thanks to Paul at the N. Irish Magyar, who noticed that Irish citizens who haven't paid "stamp" are still entitled to some form of unemployment assistance (see the comments of this post). Obviously, his eyes don't glaze over as quickly when reading tedious government brochures. At the minute, I've got Euro signs in my eyes- I'll post how things progress.
Celebrity
These days, if you spot a celebrity, you can log on to the Popbitch messageboard and post your sighting, prostrating yourself before the particular brand of cruel humour prevalent amongst its residents. Unfortunately, as Northern Ireland only has two celebrities (James Nesbitt and Hugo Duncan, if you were wondering), we have to make do with sighting the many politicians that "govern" this land. A good conversation can arise from the sighting of an MP, Euro MP or MLA, a brief silence can be filled by mentioning the sighting of a councillor or similar lesser demagogue.So, without further ado, I present the pop:
Sinn Fein's Gerry McHughIncumbent Chairman of Fermanagh District Council and Mayor of five councils.Gerry was seen at Fermanagh Enterprise Centre, attending the last module of Invest Northern Ireland's Start a Business programme (formerly known as the Business Start programme). The module focused on tax and outlined obligations to the Inland Revenue.And the bitch:Gerry and a fellow student were complaining about paying tax and resenting that it "ends up lining someone's pocket". I suggested that if they visualise their taxes contributing to the salary of an NHS nurse they may find it a little more bearable, to which they agreed.The opportunity to study a Sinn Fein councillor in such close proximity arises rarely, and allowed me to challenge any dormant prejudices I may be harbouring. I was surprised to find myself looking for a reaction every time "Her Majesty" was mentioned (which was often, especially in regard to the newly formed department of Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs). It was wrong of me to expect ranking Republicans to exhibit the same behaviour in everyday life as on "Hearts and Minds".
Troon
None of the pictures taken in Troon and the Isle of Arran were particularly interesting, except maybe this one:
A discarded bottle of Buckfast Tonic Wine, demonstrating the shared preference of those Scots and Irish who wish to get irresponsibly drunk.
Claim
Jobseeker's allowance for those over 25 years old is currently £56.20 per week, paid fortnightly by BACS after signing on (now known as fortnightly attendance) at the Jobs and Benefits Office.The Department of Social Services graciously grants a period of 13 weeks to find your preferred type of work. When 13 weeks have passed you must attend a full Employment Service Interview, where your Job Seeker's Agreement is reviewed and you are told you must take any job that offers at least 16 hours per week and is within one and a half hours traveling distance. Additionally, you must sign on weekly instead of fortnightly (even though your allowance will still be paid fortnightly). I don't quite understand how the increased frequency of attendance improves job prospects; in fact the Department of Work and Pensions Research Report No. 73 "Unemployment and Jobseeking before Jobseeker's Allowance" states that despite the 13 week review there is "no evidence, at this stage in the research programme, of a long-term impact on employment prospects".Unemployds in the Republic of Ireland get 148.80 euro per week (£101.44!), but only if they have paid 52 weeks worth of Pay Related Social Insurance (similar to National Insurance contributions in the UK). That means, much to the chagrin Northern Irish unemployds, the dual nationality status granted to citizens of Northern Ireland under Section 2 Subsection (vi) of the Belfast/Good Friday Agreement does not confer the automatic entitlement to Unemployment Benefit from the Government of the Republic of Ireland.Which is a shame. £157.64 a week would be nice. Along with a disability allowance of £58.80 for pretending you're depressed/have a bad back to your doctor. And £40 laundry allowance because you're an alcoholic and wet the bed. £256.44 a week for doing nothing.Damn scruples.
Appointed
Tayto
These bags contain Tayto crisps. However, one packet is from the Republic of Ireland and the other is from Northern Ireland. They are produced from different companies, one based in Dublin, the other in Tandragee. One company was founded by Joe Murphy in 1954, the other by Thomas Hutchinson in 1956.If there is ever a united Ireland, these two companies will have to scrap it out to retain the brand name. This is just one of many problems arising from potential reunification.(Just so you know, the Northern Irish variety tastes better)
Elected
Counterstrike
Terrorists Win! After searching the usual outlets for paramilitary paraphanalia without success, the port of Larne provided the Holy Grail. Not only can you buy deactivated M16s and AK47s, you can get samurai swords, ornamental daggers, throwing knives and bongs (getting stoned and playing with lethal weapons must compliment each other); but most importantly, you can get a good, old fashioned "terrorist-style" balaclava.And this is where you get them:AIRSOFT ARMY SURPLUS STORE
6 Lower Cross Street, Larne, County Antrim, Northern Ireland BT40 1JW.The proprietor is a lovely chap called Graham Fyffe; you can contact him on 07875279062.He will be more than happy to sell you stuff that will get you arrested.
David Hanson
