Belfast

These pictures were taken on the way from my mate's house on Botanic Avenue to my brother's house off the Cregagh (pronounced Cray-ghee). I chose this route on purpose, because there had been rioting here after the Rangers Celtic game, and I had promised some evidence of civil disturbance.

The Northern Ireland posters on GU Talk say that a sociological study found children in Northern Ireland have 32 ways of determining someone's religion by the time they reach school age. Now, I can't find the article they got this information from, but I can well believe it: I was prompted to start taking pictures after a discussion with three kids on Bankmore street. They were about 9 or 10 years old, and were twirling sticks: this means they were Protestant. Flute bands in Northern Ireland are part of the Ulster Protestant heritage, and quite often they have young lads violently twirling sticks like a psychotic majorette, and tossing them up to 30 metres into the air in front of the marching band.

They kindly informed me to "Watch out, there's a couple of taigs up there", pointing towards the Ormeau Road. I thanked them for their information and went to go on my way. Then they asked "Are you a Prod?". Now, I could have said yes, but the Catholics ahead could be forewarned of my arrival by triumphal 'yeogh'-ing by the kids. Or, I could have said no, and have been beaten by the sticks. I chose to say "I'm neither".
"Are you a fucking Jew then?" was the response.
Smiling, I shook my head and walked on. At least they didn't discriminate when it came to bigotry.


Where do rioters get their missiles from? Simply kick a listed building until it yields. Note the undamaged new brick, which is too sturdy to dislodge. This is near the junction of Ormeau Avenue and the Lower Ormeau Road.


This wall has been kicked over (in the red box) in front of the Markets area, which is a mainly Nationalist estate. Nationalists tend to be Catholics and Nationalists can be Republicans, but there is such a thing as a Protestant Nationalist and a Protestant Republican. I'm not sure if you can be a Republican but not a Nationalist. Atheists and Jews can be anything.


This is an election poster for Sinn Fein's Alex Maskey, who is campaigning to be South Belfast's elected representative in the Westminster elections, although he won't attend Westminster if he is elected. It appears to have been ripped down and danced upon, most likely by Loyalists from the Donegall Pass area. Loyalists and Unionists tend to be Protestants, but there is such a thing as a Catholic Loyalist and a Catholic Unionist. I'm not sure if you can be a Loyalist but not a Unionist. One thing you can't be is a Loyalist Republican: that results in a conflict of ideology.


Here we go, a couple of bricks that were, at one time, flying through the air aimed at either a Catholic, a Nationalist, a Republican, a Protestant, a Unionist, a Loyalist, or a member of the PSNI, or indeed a number but not all combinations of the former. This is near the junction of the East Bridge Street and Cromac Street (the street in which Robert McCartney) was killed). The thing is, when you're taking pictures of things like bricks lying on the road in interface areas, you don't half look like a dick, which may explain the blurry look to these hastily taken pictures.


This is what's known as a 'bonie': kids gather wood for months to build a massive bonfire to be burnt on the night of 12th July. This is another Ulster Protestant tradition, enthusiastically adopted here on the Woodstock Link. I'm afraid this was the best picture I could get because:
a) Taking pictures of youths is risky enough in this day and age, even if they are building a bonfire that will eventually be the size of a semi-detached house; and
b) These kid's parents would give you more than a stern telling off.


These pictures demonstrate how dodgy I must have looked. I'm never doing that again. In fact, I should have waited until the next morning, when it would be kid free and look like this:

Note how wide an area it covers. it will be as tall as those houses on the right side of the picture. All the surrounding houses and the school have to hammer boards across their windows before it's lit- not because of stone throwing thugs but because the heat of the fire causes the glass to crack.
Spools like the one in the foreground are used by the kids as makeshift drums- you can hear the drumming streets away at night, and it's not altogether unpleasant.


Another common site throughout the ghettos of Northern Ireland: territorial markings. Bollards and kerbstones are painted in tribal colours to demarcate the area as one or the other. Red white and blue indicate Protestant/Unionist/Loyalist. Catholic/Nationalist/Republican areas tend not to paint their areas in green white and orange with the same prolificacy, but it does occur.


And finally, a bit of topical graffiti. I'm afraid it has faded since it was first sprayed; it says "ITS ABOUT time the PoPE'S DEAD". Confused use of upper and lower case lettering and missing an apostrophe, but not bad for the bigoted graffitier: an extra mark for the correct use of the conjunctive on the pontiff. This is written on the ground (the same message is written nearby on a wall) on the interface of the Cregagh and the Short Strand area. I've heard there is some bold graffiti written in the Nationalist Falls Road area: "THE MCCARTNEY SISTERS BORE ME".

Anyway, I'm off on holiday to Troon.

Translink

Translink is the brand name of integrated public transport in Northern Ireland. The statutory body 'Northern Ireland Transport Holding Company' (NITHC) is responsible for the operation of Translink and is funded by the Department of the Environment. When the rail system in Great Britain was privatised in the early 1990s, there was a complete overhaul of the legislation, and a critical change was to bring rail operations within the ambit of Health & Safety legislation. This didn't happen in Northern Ireland, which explains why the crumbling track that forces the Belfast to Derry train to travel at 30mph has not been replaced. There isn't an ombudsman to direct complaints towards; Translink deal with complaints themselves alone. They have no competition, thus they can get away with whatever they want. Recently, they have decided to do away with return fares, forcing travellers to pay up to 25% more than usual by purchasing two single fares. And they've decided to get rid of a load of bus routes in Belfast too. This is a direct result of the the tribal politics we suffer/enjoy here.

Why should this concern me, considering I own a car? Well, sometimes it is more economical to use public transport, especially when unemployeds can use a 'Permit for Reduced Fare Rail/Bus Travel for Unemployed Person', which entitles the holder to half price travel.

But magine the dismay of unemployeds across the provence when Translink smugly informed that they are ineligible for half price fares unles they could prove they were travelling to an interview.

Which is why I came up with this:

Simply change the interview location and date to direction and date of travel.

See it as a way of sticking it to the man, albeit in a petty and futile way.

Is it any wonder their buses are this empty?

Invest

The first meeting with Invest NI was held on Tuesday. They listened to the proposal, filled out a few forms and promised to give me £200 if I attend some business management classes.

Not too shabby, considering most people have to pay to receive education.

Shore

Monday night was spent with some friends on a farm. We drove off-road in a jeep over hills and fields to the lough shore, where we sat in deck chairs watching the sunset, drinking beer and talking bollocks and politics.

I forgot to take a picture until after the sun had set:

Isis at the Limelight, Belfast

Isis are what most people would consider a heavy metal band. Experts in the genre of metal say their music "strikes a balance between gravity and complexity, achieving a dynamic equilibrium through the sharpening and honing of harmonic elements". I didn't notice these subtleties, but I can say their music is so loud it makes your clothes flutter. They can play their guitars incredibly fast whilst headbanging, and when the singer bellows, veins the size of hosepipes bulge to bursting from his neck (his neck, by the way, starts from the points of his clavicles and ends behind his ears). Apologies for the lack of photos from the concert; this beer is blamed for making me forget to bring the camera. Here's some pictures someone else took somewhere else.

Sadly, I didn't have my camera to hand when this was taking place the next day. I might get some pictures of the stones and broken glass on Tuesday; the missiles tend to get swept into the gutter and into neat triangles either side of traffic islands. Of course, a photo of a lump of brick is nowhere near as exciting as the same lump of brick flying through the air, but you can use your imagination.

Invaders

This is the 'Lakeland Forum', the principle town's leisure centre. Westlife performed here some time ago, and Giant Haystacks wrestled here. Not against Westlife, unfortunately, but at least the idea conjures happy thoughts.

For enterprising Del Boys after a fast buck, there is an original Space Invaders arcade cabinet gathering dust in a store room inside (02866324121, ask for Iain).

And turning 180 degrees you see this;

which attracts an invasion of Dutch cruisers (Dutch families in boats, not the other kind) every summer. The Dutch come here because no-one else does: the population density in Holland crowds out their waterways; the scarcity of tourists and boat owning locals here leave these lakes almost deserted. Some other Europeans visit as well, but the Dutch seem to be dominant; perhaps because of the orange connection?

Horse

I do not know your name sir, but let me assure that you are regarded with the utmost esteem.

You may well have spent the last two months practically sleepless, pulling lambs from the vaginas of sheep. As the lambing season draws to a close, you are entirely justified in your determination to travel 15 miles to party in the principle town of the county. Your acute sensitivity to social markers informs you of the cultural acceptance of binge drinking until 3am. You are well aware that no-one gives a toss that you are wearing a polyester shirt, and rightly so; this is how it should be.

You are going to have fun, and if that means prancing around on a hobbyhorse so be it.

Sir, I salute you. Your life is rich, and enriches the lives of others.

Dole

Here's something most people will never see: the interior of a modern dole office (now known as a "Jobs and Benefits Office")


This is reception. Security sit and watch TV behind the desk on the right, and pile out when voices are raised. The graffitied poster can be seen behind the fat man. The Civil Servants in the background assess the career options of those about to claim Job Seekers Allowance, and show you how to fill out your JS4 Looking For Work diary. Unemployeds are rarely tended by Civil Servants on that side of the office; it's only for initial assessment and indoctrination, or if you have the audacity to claim back travel expenses to and from an interview.


Those of you that were unemployed several years ago may remember display boards with attached hand written postcards advertising job vacancies. Well, the boards have been replaced by banks of touch screen monitors; part of one bank is visible on the right of the picture. They display a map of Northern Ireland; touch the region that you would like to work in and a list of vacancies sorted by category will appear. If you see a vacancy that arouses interest, you can press a button that will print a little receipt, and it will pop out from under the monitor. You then proceed to another button on a pillar that prints out a ticket informing of your place in the queue. An electronic voice calmly assigns ticket numbers to booths, and a board flashes both numbers (just visible above the TV, at the top of the picture). Usually, there are so few doleites and so many Civil Servants, so as soon as you press the ticket button the electronic voice will administer a booth. The girls in the background deal with job vacancies (as opposed to Job Seekers Allowance signing). Again, because of the ratio of staff to bludgers, you will always get the girl on the left (partially visible behind the chair), who blushes when eye contact is made.


I don't know what this lady was doing; no-one waits in the jobs and benefits office for as long as she did. Maybe she was a homeless; she had four bags stuffed with the type of paraphenalia a homeless would carry. But she had matching midninght blue ballet shoes, A-line skirt and shoulder bag, and the courage to wear a clashing turquoise wool-knit cardigan. Maybe she was just hanging out being cool.

Nope, definitely a low incomer. Who got lucky at the charity shop.

Petrol

This is my Rover 214. If owned by a female no doubt it would be given a saccharine sobriquet, such as "Henry" or "Mabel". But it isn't and it hasn't. It is defined by manufacturer, model number and engine size, efficiently and informatively labeled as a Rover 214. Definitely not a rebadged Mini Metro.

Then Rover went bust. Thanks, God.

So when buying a car, not only must you check the service history, bodywork, mileage, tyres and the rest; a thorough examination of the manufacturer's finances is pertinent.

And if you're a tinfoil hat-wearing muesli-munching uber-liberal, examining what effect your government's subservience to Washington will have upon your choice of car, then seething pointlessly on your blog from which you think the revolution will be started, will also make sense.


Things aren't so bad. There will be Rover parts around long after my car has rusted to pieces, and I can buy petrol in the Republic of Ireland for 67p per litre instead of 81p. A perk of the province.

Hawks

The Atlanta Hawks are now officially the worst team in the NBA!
Go Hawks!

Snaps

Less words, more pictures; now that the internet connection is fairly stable, here's some pictures from Atlanta:

Atlanta Skyline

The Atlanta Skyline, with the ubiquitous National Flag. Not that there's anything wrong with patriotism. It makes perfect sense to unconditionally love the land mass you happen to be born and raised in. Unfortunately, I didn't manage to get a picture of the Yellow Ribbon billboards of a soldier cradling a baby. Support your (homoerotic) troops! Yay!

Georgia Dome at Sunset

The Georgia Dome is the home of the Atlanta Falcons, and hosted Superbowl 34 in 2000. It is very big (it is very far away in the picture). The picture was taken in a carpark, which are called "parking lots" in the USA. Is one phrase better than the other? I don't know. Depends how patriotic you are, I suppose.

A Homeless

This homeless (in the red box) was sleeping in Piedmont Park. He must have been very tired, because it was 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I know he was sleeping because he had a very purple face, which meant that he was not dead. Unless he was decomposing.

Atlanta Skyline from Piedmont Park

Skyscrapers etc. Atlanta doesn't have any really tall buildings, but it does have "the world's busiest passenger airport". This honour bestows massive queues for all the shops and bar (yes, singular) within.

What's Wrong With This Building?

That's right- no windows! This could be a containment unit for the demon Yog-Sothoth, who, as every crackpot conspiracy theorist knows, was unleashed to wreak havoc upon the world when the magic symbol of the Pentagon was breached on 11/9/01. Wierdos. Perhaps it's windowless to protect the documents of the legistature of Georgia, as the sign displaying "Georgia State Records" might suggest.

A Project

This is a project (in the red box), which you may have heard referenced in rap songs or movies. Also note the welfare office and 99c store in the foreground. No-one got shot.

Some Homelesses

More homelesses, moving this time, making a stink in front of a very large water feature. Why don't they wash in the water? I don't know. Perhaps the city authorities replaced the water with acid.

Taco Bell

Taco Bell: the only place to eat in the future, it being the the only restaurant to survive the Franchise Wars (according to Demolition Man, that is). The future is bleak. I didn't get round to reviewing their "food", but it scores higher than the rest simply because of their tagline: "Think outside the Bun". So transcendently bad that it becomes good again.

Obligatory Homographic Photo

"Poncey". Do you get it? As funny as an episode of Only Fools and Horses (search the page for poncey, go on. Why does this crap get stuck in your head?)

Lots of Homelesses (in the red boxes)

Did you know that there is no collective noun for homelesses? What about "a stink of homelesses"?

The Gift Shop at Martin Luther King Jr's Grave

To be accurate, this is a photo of a sign (in the red box) indicating the way to the gift shop at MLK's grave. The gift shop is shut on Sunday, which was to be expected, really. MLK was a Baptist and they're quite strict about things like that. I wonder what you could buy in the MLK Grave gift shop: miniature tombs? Little sniper rifle pendants? (It was Bill Hicks' joke first; don't, ahem, shoot the messenger). At least there's access for wheelchair users; there's no discrimination in Martin Luther King Jr's Grave Gift Shop.

Inside the Phillips Arena

If you look closely you can see the players waiting for the girls to finish dancing so they can get on with their game.

Why You Shouldn't Buy a Digital Camera Without an Optical Zoom

Words can not express how disappointed I was when this picture was loaded. Less Words, more pictures, indeed.

Online

If you want to set up a wireless network, I hope you will find the following information useful:

The Netgear WG311 54 Mbps Wireless PCI Adapter has compatibility issues with both motherboards that have a VIA chipset and AMD processors. If your PC has both then get another card, for example a Belkin F5D700 802.11g Wireless Desktop Network Card. Do not spend 3 days trying to get it to work.

Cordless phones interfere with wireless networks as they operate on the same 2.4GHz frequency. Unless the wireless network is protected by WEP encryption, the connection will drop every 10 to 20 minutes, and quite often can only be re-established by uninstalling the wireless network adaptor, uninstalling the utility software then reinstalling both. Do not explode with fury when an essential download fails for the umpteenth time because of a dropped connection.

The Netgear DG843G 54 Mbps Wireless ADSL Firewall Router, despite being a highly recommended Amazon top seller, has spontaneous rebooting issues and an overheating problem. This latter will cause it to switch off and appear broken for several hours. Do not curl into a ball and cry when a digital straw materialises from the magic interweb rays that fill your house, alights upon your hunched shoulders and breaks the backbone of any technological enthusiam you may have had.