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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Parkour

it's more or less just leppin' off walls
If you ever saw the C4 documentary "Jump Britain", you will have some idea of what Parkour is: a sport where participants ("traceurs") run, jump, climb and interact with their environment in a fluid and graceful manner.

It seems to be thriving in Northern Ireland: typing the words from the graffiti into google yields a single result, but this will lead on to a recent and thriving messageboard of traceurs and places to participate in Antrim and Down, and Derry seems to a popular location too (no doubt the stunts Sebastien Foucan got up to on the wall contributed).

No mention of parkour among the dreary spires of Fermanagh and Tyrone though. There'd be the quare laugh at any eegit seen leppin' round the town like.
Any comments? 1

Friday, May 27, 2005

Bonie

and there are more palettes stacked out of shot on both sides
The bonie (pronounced bow (as in 'and arrow') knee) on the Woodstock link is starting to gain mass. There must be some kind of strategy in its building, as all the palettes are stacked around the outside and the rest of the combustable material is dumped haphazardly in the centre.

Only another month and a half to go!
Any comments? 0

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Pedestrian

left=UK, right=ROI or Sweden
Insignificant items contribute to a nation's identity, like pedestrian crossings.
You can tell you're in the UK if you see pedestrian crossing buttons like the one on the left. The tick-tocking of the button on the left can be heard in both the Republic of Ireland and Sweden, perhaps an indication tighter European integration, but more likely demonstrating the economies of outsourcing.

However, these buttons may appear in more countries as yet unexplored. If found they shall be duly logged.
Any comments? 9

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Glimmer

Thanks to Paul at the N. Irish Magyar, who noticed that Irish citizens who haven't paid "stamp" are still entitled to some form of unemployment assistance (see the comments of this post). Obviously, his eyes don't glaze over as quickly when reading tedious government brochures. At the minute, I've got Euro signs in my eyes- I'll post how things progress.
Any comments? 4

Celebrity

These days, if you spot a celebrity, you can log on to the Popbitch messageboard and post your sighting, prostrating yourself before the particular brand of cruel humour prevalent amongst its residents. Unfortunately, as Northern Ireland only has two celebrities (James Nesbitt and Hugo Duncan, if you were wondering), we have to make do with sighting the many politicians that "govern" this land. A good conversation can arise from the sighting of an MP, Euro MP or MLA, a brief silence can be filled by mentioning the sighting of a councillor or similar lesser demagogue.

So, without further ado, I present the pop:
Gerry wearing his Bling of OfficeSinn Fein's Gerry McHugh
Incumbent Chairman of Fermanagh District Council and Mayor of five councils.
Gerry was seen at Fermanagh Enterprise Centre, attending the last module of Invest Northern Ireland's Start a Business programme (formerly known as the Business Start programme). The module focused on tax and outlined obligations to the Inland Revenue.

And the bitch:
Gerry and a fellow student were complaining about paying tax and resenting that it "ends up lining someone's pocket". I suggested that if they visualise their taxes contributing to the salary of an NHS nurse they may find it a little more bearable, to which they agreed.

The opportunity to study a Sinn Fein councillor in such close proximity arises rarely, and allowed me to challenge any dormant prejudices I may be harbouring. I was surprised to find myself looking for a reaction every time "Her Majesty" was mentioned (which was often, especially in regard to the newly formed department of Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs). It was wrong of me to expect ranking Republicans to exhibit the same behaviour in everyday life as on "Hearts and Minds".
Any comments? 0

Monday, May 16, 2005

Troon

None of the pictures taken in Troon and the Isle of Arran were particularly interesting, except maybe this one:
Tonic: an invigorating, refreshing, or restorative agent or influence
A discarded bottle of Buckfast Tonic Wine, demonstrating the shared preference of those Scots and Irish who wish to get irresponsibly drunk.
Any comments? 2

Friday, May 13, 2005

Claim

Jobseeker's allowance for those over 25 years old is currently £56.20 per week, paid fortnightly by BACS after signing on (now known as fortnightly attendance) at the Jobs and Benefits Office.

The Department of Social Services graciously grants a period of 13 weeks to find your preferred type of work. When 13 weeks have passed you must attend a full Employment Service Interview, where your Job Seeker's Agreement is reviewed and you are told you must take any job that offers at least 16 hours per week and is within one and a half hours traveling distance. Additionally, you must sign on weekly instead of fortnightly (even though your allowance will still be paid fortnightly). I don't quite understand how the increased frequency of attendance improves job prospects; in fact the Department of Work and Pensions Research Report No. 73 "Unemployment and Jobseeking before Jobseeker's Allowance" states that despite the 13 week review there is "no evidence, at this stage in the research programme, of a long-term impact on employment prospects".

Unemployds in the Republic of Ireland get 148.80 euro per week (£101.44!), but only if they have paid 52 weeks worth of Pay Related Social Insurance (similar to National Insurance contributions in the UK). That means, much to the chagrin Northern Irish unemployds, the dual nationality status granted to citizens of Northern Ireland under Section 2 Subsection (vi) of the Belfast/Good Friday Agreement does not confer the automatic entitlement to Unemployment Benefit from the Government of the Republic of Ireland.

Which is a shame. £157.64 a week would be nice. Along with a disability allowance of £58.80 for pretending you're depressed/have a bad back to your doctor. And £40 laundry allowance because you're an alcoholic and wet the bed. £256.44 a week for doing nothing.

Damn scruples.
Any comments? 0

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Appointed

Remember these guys who used to run Northern Ireland?

Pearson and Gardiner have got their promotions and are now Ministers at the home office, specifically Minister for Trade at the Foreign and Commonwealth Office and *gasp* Parliamentary Secretary at the Department for Productivity Energy and Industry respectively. Mr Spellar is presumably returning to the back bench.

These guys are their replacements:

Lord Jeffrey Rooker
He doesn't have to be elected any more, now that he's a Lord.
NIO Minister for agriculture, regional development, and finance and personnel.


MmmbopDavid Hanson

Member of Parliament for Delyn (Wales)
NIO Minister for political development, criminal justice, culture and social development.


Shaun Woodward
Member of Parliament for St. Helens South (oop North)
Junior NIO Minister for security, prisons, environment and health.
Used to be a Conservative MP until he jumped ship in 1999

Angela Smith has left the health department to take over education and trade.

They'll probably make it over here about once a month for a round of golf and a chat with the paddies to see if they can't all get along. Perhaps.
Any comments? 0

Monday, May 09, 2005

Tayto

The reason why there can never be a united Ireland
These bags contain Tayto crisps. However, one packet is from the Republic of Ireland and the other is from Northern Ireland. They are produced from different companies, one based in Dublin, the other in Tandragee. One company was founded by Joe Murphy in 1954, the other by Thomas Hutchinson in 1956.

If there is ever a united Ireland, these two companies will have to scrap it out to retain the brand name. This is just one of many problems arising from potential reunification.

(Just so you know, the Northern Irish variety tastes better)
Any comments? 2

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Elected

These are some of the recognisable politicians from Northern Ireland who won seats at Westminster on Thursday (but declared on Friday, and in some cases Saturday. Ballot counters in Northern Ireland don't work through the night; they have a wee sleep before they get started the following morning):

Ulster says No!Ian Paisley
Member of Parliament for North Antrim
Leader of the Democratic Unionist Party



We haven't gone away you know Gerry Adams
Member of Parliament for West Belfast
President of Sinn Fein




'The Godfather of Godfathers' Martin McGuinness
Member of Parliament for Mid Ulster
Chief Negotiator, Sinn Fein





The only moderate party leader electedPaul Durkan
Member of Parliament for Foyle
Leader of the Social Democratic and Labour Party






Meanwhile, while the politicians above bicker, these British Labour MPs are charged with running Northern Ireland. Their roles are more of an apprenticeship, testing if they are suitable for cabinet selection:

Doesn't he know what it's like here?Peter Hain
Member of Parliament for Neath (Wales)
Newly appointed Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, which will be combined with his role as the Welsh Secretary (eh?!)

who? John Spellar
Member of Parliament for Warley (Midlands)
NIO Minister without specific portfilio, but has spoken on transport, environment and security matters

Hospitals closed: 3. Cost of Saville inquiry: £126m Angela Smith
Member of Parliament for Basildon (East Anglia)
NIO Health Minister





never heard of him either Ian Pearson
Member of Parliament for Dudley South (Midlands)
NIO Finance Minister




Has cut NI education funding by £30mBarry Gardiner
Member of Parliament for Brent North (NW London)
NIO Education Minister


Any comments? 0

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Counterstrike

Wearing a balaclava does not mean you are a terrorist
Terrorists Win! After searching the usual outlets for paramilitary paraphanalia without success, the port of Larne provided the Holy Grail. Not only can you buy deactivated M16s and AK47s, you can get samurai swords, ornamental daggers, throwing knives and bongs (getting stoned and playing with lethal weapons must compliment each other); but most importantly, you can get a good, old fashioned "terrorist-style" balaclava.

And this is where you get them:
AIRSOFT ARMY SURPLUS STORE
The one stop shop for all your thug accessories
6 Lower Cross Street, Larne, County Antrim, Northern Ireland BT40 1JW.
The proprietor is a lovely chap called Graham Fyffe; you can contact him on 07875279062.
He will be more than happy to sell you stuff that will get you arrested.
Any comments? 6