Buildings
If you ever find yourself unemployed, you can volunteer your time and skills to relieve the boredom/ease your civic conscience/get some free training/disguise your laziness. If you want to volunteer in Fermanagh, you'll have to go to Enniskillen, and this is where you will go:
Fermanagh Volunteer Bureau, Belmore Street
The Bureau inconspicuously occupies all three floors of this modest Georgian terraced townhouse, the interior of which appears to have been refitted circa 1985 or so, with fake mahogany veneered three drawer medium density fibreboard desks and worn synthetic carpet tiles. The pleasant and friendly staff will advise unemployds who enquire about the possibility of receiving training to visit the:
New Hope Centre, Erne Road
This foundered cruise ship of a building was built in 2002 with £750,000 of our European money. The feeble postmodern nod to the art deco nod to the golden age of the cruiseliner may barely have found acceptance in a maritime setting, but is totally incongruous in this muddy puddle of a county. Inside is a suite of 55 computers (unused), and one corner of the building appears to be a creche (used). The pleasant, friendly and what appeared to be the only gent inside will confirm that unemployds can indeed receive 100% funding for course fees, including the ECDL and CompTIA A+ certificates; simply speak to a personal advisor at the:
Jobs and Benefits Office, Queen Elizabeth Road
The purple painted wood and pebbledash facia was replaced in the early nineties with what was then rather modish prefab concrete panels with concrete detailing, accented with blue PVC doors and windows, which compliments the interior as well as soulless prefabs can be expected. When inquiring about funding for training, it's best not to be disheartened when told only long term unemployds are eligible for funding, the threshold for which has recently been increased from one year to 18 months (which, by mere coincidence, decreases the total number of long term unemployds). However, Enterprise Ulster run a scheme that enrolls unemployds after 6 months unemployment. Their office is just around the corner, but can be visited via the:
Northern Ireland Housing Executive, Head Street
...where you can drop off a Housing Benefit claim form to the receptionist with the second finest Enniskillen accent in Enniskillen (the finest belongs to the cuttie that supplies announcements over the public address system in Dunnes Stores). The receptionist is ensconced within this tumulus of giant Legomen faeces iced with the black blood of the architects, happy she does not have the misfortune to be looking at the exterior when inside. Around the corner you'll find the:
Enterprise Ulster Office, Darling Street
Another Georgian terraced townhouse; those with a keen eye may notice the original stonework has been plastered over with cement and the outline of blocks scored into it, creating a miserable reproduction of what was already there in the first place. The magnolia interior will lull you into a false sense of familiarity, unable to fully comprehend the information soon to be imparted: the Enterprise Ulster Training for Work scheme provides funding for a part time course at the Fermanagh College of Further Education providing a work placement is sourced that bears some relation to the course studied. Since last Monday, the minimum hours that must be worked on the placement have been increased from 15 to 20 hours, for which the placementee receives £15.38 additional benefit. You may wish to share with the interviewer that if only the minimum number of hours are worked, this equates to an exploitative rate of pay of less than 75p an hour. Perhaps you will join in her laughter when she explains that the rate is set by "The Government" whilst surrepticiously wiping away a tear of frustration. To find out what courses were available, a trip will be required to the:
Fermanagh College of Further Education, Gaol Square
The monolith, the tallest building in Enniskillen, the first thing travelers from Belfast will see upon entering the town, the building that completely obscures the Gothic Revivalist gaolhouse. The most pleasant and friendly ladies in the admissions office will try their best to find out what courses fall under the Enterprise Ulster Training for Work scheme, despite never having heard of it. When they ultimately cannot provide the information requested, they will suggest you return to:
The Jobs and Benefits Office, Queen Elizabeth Road
...securely protected by its weldmesh fences. Your personal advisor will be unable to provide a list of courses for the Training for Work scheme, agree there is little incentive to enroll anyway and concede there is nothing more they can do to help. They will, however, express gratitude after you say that it is not their fault when they apologise.
Hopefully, if you decide to volunteer, your day will not turn out anywhere near as ugly.
Fermanagh Volunteer Bureau, Belmore Street
The Bureau inconspicuously occupies all three floors of this modest Georgian terraced townhouse, the interior of which appears to have been refitted circa 1985 or so, with fake mahogany veneered three drawer medium density fibreboard desks and worn synthetic carpet tiles. The pleasant and friendly staff will advise unemployds who enquire about the possibility of receiving training to visit the:
New Hope Centre, Erne Road
This foundered cruise ship of a building was built in 2002 with £750,000 of our European money. The feeble postmodern nod to the art deco nod to the golden age of the cruiseliner may barely have found acceptance in a maritime setting, but is totally incongruous in this muddy puddle of a county. Inside is a suite of 55 computers (unused), and one corner of the building appears to be a creche (used). The pleasant, friendly and what appeared to be the only gent inside will confirm that unemployds can indeed receive 100% funding for course fees, including the ECDL and CompTIA A+ certificates; simply speak to a personal advisor at the:
Jobs and Benefits Office, Queen Elizabeth Road
The purple painted wood and pebbledash facia was replaced in the early nineties with what was then rather modish prefab concrete panels with concrete detailing, accented with blue PVC doors and windows, which compliments the interior as well as soulless prefabs can be expected. When inquiring about funding for training, it's best not to be disheartened when told only long term unemployds are eligible for funding, the threshold for which has recently been increased from one year to 18 months (which, by mere coincidence, decreases the total number of long term unemployds). However, Enterprise Ulster run a scheme that enrolls unemployds after 6 months unemployment. Their office is just around the corner, but can be visited via the:
Northern Ireland Housing Executive, Head Street
...where you can drop off a Housing Benefit claim form to the receptionist with the second finest Enniskillen accent in Enniskillen (the finest belongs to the cuttie that supplies announcements over the public address system in Dunnes Stores). The receptionist is ensconced within this tumulus of giant Legomen faeces iced with the black blood of the architects, happy she does not have the misfortune to be looking at the exterior when inside. Around the corner you'll find the:
Enterprise Ulster Office, Darling Street
Another Georgian terraced townhouse; those with a keen eye may notice the original stonework has been plastered over with cement and the outline of blocks scored into it, creating a miserable reproduction of what was already there in the first place. The magnolia interior will lull you into a false sense of familiarity, unable to fully comprehend the information soon to be imparted: the Enterprise Ulster Training for Work scheme provides funding for a part time course at the Fermanagh College of Further Education providing a work placement is sourced that bears some relation to the course studied. Since last Monday, the minimum hours that must be worked on the placement have been increased from 15 to 20 hours, for which the placementee receives £15.38 additional benefit. You may wish to share with the interviewer that if only the minimum number of hours are worked, this equates to an exploitative rate of pay of less than 75p an hour. Perhaps you will join in her laughter when she explains that the rate is set by "The Government" whilst surrepticiously wiping away a tear of frustration. To find out what courses were available, a trip will be required to the:
Fermanagh College of Further Education, Gaol Square
The monolith, the tallest building in Enniskillen, the first thing travelers from Belfast will see upon entering the town, the building that completely obscures the Gothic Revivalist gaolhouse. The most pleasant and friendly ladies in the admissions office will try their best to find out what courses fall under the Enterprise Ulster Training for Work scheme, despite never having heard of it. When they ultimately cannot provide the information requested, they will suggest you return to:
The Jobs and Benefits Office, Queen Elizabeth Road
...securely protected by its weldmesh fences. Your personal advisor will be unable to provide a list of courses for the Training for Work scheme, agree there is little incentive to enroll anyway and concede there is nothing more they can do to help. They will, however, express gratitude after you say that it is not their fault when they apologise.
Hopefully, if you decide to volunteer, your day will not turn out anywhere near as ugly.
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